30 Post Blog Challenge/ Inspiring Friendships

To begin, I believe I can safety say that I have a rare treasure in my life- inspiring friends. Many people claim to have these inspiring friends- especially on Facebook. (read- You're my inspiration, my best friend, the most beautiful girl who's always been there for me, Happy Birthday Babe <333 I love you to the moon and back.) But I stumbled upon a quote that I've used as a definition to hold friendships to the past few years. Actually, stumbled upon probably isn't the best way to put it- my perfectly blunt, wise, and worthy eighth grade history teacher had this up on his wall

Although I was certainly a miniature person surrounded by other small people in eighth grade, I understood the didactic truths in this simple quote. And since then, I've noticed what my relationships with others have fallen into- Great, average or small. As easy as it is to gossip, as much as it makes conversation flow and "juicy" exciting talk, it is what it is- small. Everyone does it- I probably do more than most. But makes me small, and makes my relationships small. 

And now, finally, to the point- I can proudly say that the girls I'm blogging with are GREAT friends. Although we just started, we've been sharing so many ideas with each other. Gossip may be exciting in a sinful, enjoyable way- but idea sharing- that's a whole other level of excitement. When I have friends who I share ideas with- friends who inspire me and make me want to jump into a project, even if it's in the wee small hours of the morning (sinatra reference, had to)- those friends are great. The excitement of idea sharing pushes the level of excitement gossip brings to the darkest depths of the deepest cave in the Pacific Ocean.

After all of that, I hope I shared with you what my first post of the 30 day challenge is- simply writing about my blog. I started this blog because of inspiring friendships- great people who spoke with me about ideas- blogging! I couldn't resist delving into the world of blogging, and am loving every minute! Now, as if it couldn't get any better, we've thought of a blogging challenge between the four of us- 30 posts, all different prompts, that we all must write about! 

Hope you follow along,

Lauren 

Interesting tidbit- I think every post/edit I've made has been from the hours of 1:00- 4:00am. I am trying to seek more discipline in my life, so hopefully my blogging hours will rightfully change back to sleeping hours, and my blogs will be posted at better times.

Anger

In my last post, I shared about perspective- finding the "good" in seemingly hopeless situations. I was challenged to pray for opportunities to experience and practice this in my daily life. It's definitely a dangerous prayer. But, just as promised, opportunities are certainly creeping in.


When being mentored or given advice, I'm normally asked about my current experiences with anxiety or restlessness. Normally, it's much worse during the school year- kind of self explanatory. More stress. Although it's never "gone" during the summer, it's certainly less prevalent. In saying this, I've still been experiencing some less tough situations that I'm slowly learning to trust God in. Summer trials- sounds kind of like a first world problem.

So anyway, I'll share. It's about 2:30 in the morning right now. I was actually tired, but I've got to admit, my heart was/ still is growing angrier and angrier, so I decided I had to write this before I fell asleep. This is definitely a very small issue compared to some "school year" problems, but it's still annoying. It's stemming from my summer job. Although I was hired for this job in April, I started  just about a month ago (about a week after my finals ended.) They didn't train me immediately, so I had about two or three weeks with only one shift and a call-in per week. Finally, I was blessed and given a full training week where I'd learn everything else about the store, and was given 11 hours. I felt slightly more optimistic. I'd tell myself, although I had many more hours at my last job, this one is more fun, and I'm learning more from it. I made the right decision. The next week I was given about 8 hours, mixed in with call-in shifts, (call-ins are these inconvenient scheduling blocks where you call in an hour beforehand to see if they need you- you must be available if they say they do.)

 Now comes this week- when I  saw my schedule, I was elated- 12.5 hours for Tuesday-Saturday. I was elated! Finally, I was beginning to get hours! I had asked for Sunday and Monday off (after working up the nerve) to go down the shore with some dear friends from college, so I felt so blessed that the remainder of the week promised many more hours. I felt so blessed that I promised my manager I'd come home after my first week of college to work the incredibly busy Labor Day weekend. The store gave me hours even during the weeks I had a couple days off, so I should do something in return. My manager told me that a few customers came up to her and complimented my service and attitude, so I guessed that was the reason for my scheduling increase. She understood how hard I worked and how sincere I was with every customer. I noticed on the schedule that not many associate girls were getting 12 hours or more- many were getting only one or two shifts. I was telling all of my friends and family that my job was really looking up- I've been doing well, and my manager is now rewarding me with more hours. (At my store, you don't work for commission, but good sales= better hours). I was actually on the schedule for every single day listed, between my 12.5 hours and a couple call-in shifts. (To illustrate the inconvenience of the call-in shift, I would be working 25 hours this week if I was needed for all the shifts- doesn't happen.)

So, after receiving a call from a girl today asking to switch Saturday shifts (I'm now closing, but she had a very special occasion, so I'm happy to switch) I was told that I didn't need to come in today (I had a call-in.) A couple hours later, one of the assistant managers left me a voicemail. I didn't need to come in for my scheduled shift tomorrow. Actually, no. Make it a call-in. You can come in if we sell $1,000 of merchandise tonight (between 6-9 pm on a stormy Wednesday). I didn't want to take away the Saturday shift (oh, thanks). Is that okay? Call me back.

When I called, of course I had to say it was okay. What could I say? The store was down on the quota, so they had to cut a shift. I wasn't that upset, originally, until I thought about it and spoke about it more. Why did they cut my shift? I was so encouraged by this extra shift. It made me above average. I was working well and was being rewarded. There are girls who get more hours than me, why don't they get cut? Many of them work 2 jobs, and they know this is my only one. They give me SO many call-ins, and now I just get another one. (I'm trying to be encouraged still, but I'm still angry and heated at this moment). My feelings wavered about it throughout the night. Just a couple minutes ago, I was beginning to think about this as a strike to me personally- they don't like me as much as I thought. The assistant manager is a person with a decision. She decided to cut the person she liked the least.

I need to stop myself now and just check myself. I thought I was calm enough to write all of this, but emotions are creeping up. I'm still being tempted through this. This is still stemming from my anxious nature. Over-thinking to the point of anger, depression, or fear.  So I'll start with this.

1. Humility. I need this.

Because Christ was extraordinary, I'm free to be ordinary.

This is so exceedingly difficult for me- who wants to be ordinary? I want to be special. The hour thing is partially a pride issue. I will give myself the right to be irritated because of time inconvenience of these switches and call-ins. But the whole "they don't like me" or "taking away my earned reward" mentality- no. You don't need to be the "above-averagely liked or appreciated" employee. You need to work hard at your job, enjoy your opportunities that may arise again in the future, and suck up this pride issue. I may find out later today that I'll get 12-14 hours next week. Maybe they also cut the shifts of my coworkers. I need to get over this.

2. Contentedness.

I went on and on in my last post about finding the good in bad situations. Who knows what God is doing this for? Maybe it will lead to an opportunity for me to talk to my managers about all of the call-in shift inconveniences. Maybe I'll be given an opportunity tomorrow during the time I would've been working. Maybe if I was driving to work tomorrow at 2, I would've gotten into a car accident. Who knows what God is protecting me from or giving me? Or maybe He is using this to teach me to be humble and content- just like the opportunities I had been praying for.

It's 3:00am now, and I'm debating whether I should post this without any editing, or delay this until I edit--oh well, I'll post it now.

Hope this encourages someone out there, it's already helped soften my heart.

Less angry,

Lauren

Hello there!

Let me begin this blog with a post that will hopefully set a theme for those to come- I suppose the theme could be "truth." And suppose I'll start with one I recently stumbled upon- The most important truth I’ve learned in college, so far, is that heartaches don’t come without blessings.

In saying that, I’m not trying to imply that the heartaches are bringing the blessings (that’s a whole other post,) but rather, that you can count a good in your life for every bad. As cliche as this simple truth may be, it is so incredibly effective in providing contentedness. For example: I can look at my freshman year of college as being a failure by focusing solely on the heartaches I endured, I'll list a couple below:

Anxiety and panic attacks
Counseling
Living situations (noisy hall/neighbors)
Countless 3-hour of sleep nights (frequently caused by the above)
Having to leave good opportunities because of a mixture of the above
Dealing with jealousy of my boyfriend’s new college life
Fighting with my boyfriend (again, mostly because of the above)
Debilitating fear of becoming sick/ not getting enough sleep
Not becoming as close as I wanted to with other Christians
A little bit of ‘culture shock’
Regret of not going to school with my boyfriend
A capella group had so many hours of practice that I was never allowed to miss, but wanted to so so frequently
Couldn’t get involved in organizations; felt like I was waisting my time
Sometimes feeling heartbroken over disdain of Christianity on campus
Having to go home so incredibly frequently (because of a mixture of the above)

I spent my first night at college in a bathroom. Not even my floor’s bathroom, but the main public one that anyone can use. I didn't know why I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid as I went to bed that night. My roommate was nice and easy to live with, I didn’t feel homesick, and I was decently tired. But the anxiety that I hadn’t dealt with in over a year came back to haunt me- I thought I was done with this. I clenched a water bottle in my hand and turned the knob of my door as quietly as possible. I shuffled down my dimly lit hall, approached the bathroom, and tried to use the code to get in. Wasn’t working. I grew incredibly frustrated as I walked downstairs to the main floor, wondering if anyone would be down there. Surprisingly to me, there were 3 student DAs working at 2 am. I told them my hall bathroom wasn’t working (later I’d realize I simply wasn’t turning the lock around enough) and they directed me to that main floor bathroom. It’s funny, whenever I used it again throughout the year, all I could think of was my first night. I threw up. I went back to my room and called my mom, who kept telling me “Knock on your RA’s (it’s actually CA mom) door and try to get something to help. That’s what they’re there for.” That was the last thing I wanted to do. Seriously I was so afraid. After about 7 times of me going in and out the door to throw up again,  my roommate woke up and asked me what was wrong. I explained to her that I was nauseous, and she offered to go with me to my CA’s room. I felt so bad. She’s going to think she has some weird needy roommate (kinda true) and she won’t want anything to do with me. But Katie is a loving person. We ended up doing everything together the past two semesters, mostly revolving around our obsession with memes and reality TV. So (back from the tangent) we knocked for like 10 minutes at both of my (male) CA’s doors, (they sleep like rocks, I found out) until one finally emerged. They said they could call for some help, which I thought would be maybe a campus nurse or someone like that. I said yes, simply because I didn't realize my nausea was from anxiety- maybe I was somehow dying. But no nurse came...the help was was our EMT’s and a campus police officer who arrived to save the day- I wanted to die of embarrassment. (Oh, and let me tell you, this was all happening at about 4am.) I told them I didn’t need to go to the hospital if they didn't see anything wrong. I was just hoping for something to soothe my stomach, since it was in alot of pain. They didn’t have this, so I would have to wait until the morning to go to the nurse. As I walked back to my room, I heard my night-owl next door neighbors talking and listening to music. It's super funny, looking back at this. This first night was a foreshadowing to the rest of my nights at college- my neighbors being super loud at awful times. Anyway, this time, they were listing some girls they wanted to sleep with from our floor. Although I can kind of laugh about it now, at the time, it kinda just freaked me out.

   
         So I guess you can see, I had a pretty eventful, all for nothing, first night of college. Although nothing was identical, that wasn’t my only night spent walking the halls at 4am, trying to find some help. It’s kind of ironic, but work was seldom my most dire stressor during my first year. 

Now, after my attempt at illustrating my living arrangements and some of my stress/ worry, I have to make my second list. This one is super important.

Amazing roommate who lived with but never added to my stress

A couple great friendships with people from my floor

Friendships with everyone in my a capella group

GPA that surpassed my expectations

An amazing professor who has given me extra opportunities

A love of my classes (as long as they aren’t too early!)

Successful projects

Opportunities to share the Gospel with friends and professors

Met people who inspire me

Have friends who have made sacrifices to show me love

Kept in touch with friends during summer

Arraigned a song for my a capella group to sing

Had no “enemies”

Had the opportunity to go on a couple trips

Was able to go home, and able to visit Dan twice

         After the year was done, I was back at home, surrounded by friends and people I knew so well before this past year. Constantly bombarded by the inevitable “so how was college,” I normally gave one of three answers, depending on the person, time we had to talk, or mood I was in. “Great, I’m happy there. My classes are great, almost everyone is happy at TCNJ.” or  “Pretty good, there were ups and downs, some hard things to get used to, but I’m definitely happy there.” or the more honest, “It was kind of a struggle, but there were some blessings mixed in. It was hard to live there, but I had an awesome roommate. It’s alot different from a Christian high school, but I made Christian friends. I had a little bit of trouble with anxiety, but that’s something I’ve been able to work with alot. God’s teaching me alot.”  My beloved English teacher, who earned her master’s degree at my college, approached me at this year’s high school graduation, which happened about two weeks ago. I gave her a more detailed version of the third response when she asked, mostly because I believed she would understand. And she certainly did. She told me the reason I was able to sustain and succeed during the past year was because of the outlook I learned through my struggles: that it’s not all bad. I remembered the good things amidst the bad. That I am blessed. That I have opportunities. She reminded me that life is a balance of the good and bad, and when I think about it, I believe that somehow, my first year was heavier on the good.

As I was struggling to develop a theme for this blog, I realized that my journey through all things life, love and college may be a good starting point. I hope someone can be encouraged through it, and possibly learn methods they can use to deal with anxiety or worry. I’m learning through this all, and can’t wait to keep updating this with what God is teaching me.

All my love, dear reader,

Lauren