Hello there!

Let me begin this blog with a post that will hopefully set a theme for those to come- I suppose the theme could be "truth." And suppose I'll start with one I recently stumbled upon- The most important truth I’ve learned in college, so far, is that heartaches don’t come without blessings.

In saying that, I’m not trying to imply that the heartaches are bringing the blessings (that’s a whole other post,) but rather, that you can count a good in your life for every bad. As cliche as this simple truth may be, it is so incredibly effective in providing contentedness. For example: I can look at my freshman year of college as being a failure by focusing solely on the heartaches I endured, I'll list a couple below:

Anxiety and panic attacks
Counseling
Living situations (noisy hall/neighbors)
Countless 3-hour of sleep nights (frequently caused by the above)
Having to leave good opportunities because of a mixture of the above
Dealing with jealousy of my boyfriend’s new college life
Fighting with my boyfriend (again, mostly because of the above)
Debilitating fear of becoming sick/ not getting enough sleep
Not becoming as close as I wanted to with other Christians
A little bit of ‘culture shock’
Regret of not going to school with my boyfriend
A capella group had so many hours of practice that I was never allowed to miss, but wanted to so so frequently
Couldn’t get involved in organizations; felt like I was waisting my time
Sometimes feeling heartbroken over disdain of Christianity on campus
Having to go home so incredibly frequently (because of a mixture of the above)

I spent my first night at college in a bathroom. Not even my floor’s bathroom, but the main public one that anyone can use. I didn't know why I was afraid. I wasn’t afraid as I went to bed that night. My roommate was nice and easy to live with, I didn’t feel homesick, and I was decently tired. But the anxiety that I hadn’t dealt with in over a year came back to haunt me- I thought I was done with this. I clenched a water bottle in my hand and turned the knob of my door as quietly as possible. I shuffled down my dimly lit hall, approached the bathroom, and tried to use the code to get in. Wasn’t working. I grew incredibly frustrated as I walked downstairs to the main floor, wondering if anyone would be down there. Surprisingly to me, there were 3 student DAs working at 2 am. I told them my hall bathroom wasn’t working (later I’d realize I simply wasn’t turning the lock around enough) and they directed me to that main floor bathroom. It’s funny, whenever I used it again throughout the year, all I could think of was my first night. I threw up. I went back to my room and called my mom, who kept telling me “Knock on your RA’s (it’s actually CA mom) door and try to get something to help. That’s what they’re there for.” That was the last thing I wanted to do. Seriously I was so afraid. After about 7 times of me going in and out the door to throw up again,  my roommate woke up and asked me what was wrong. I explained to her that I was nauseous, and she offered to go with me to my CA’s room. I felt so bad. She’s going to think she has some weird needy roommate (kinda true) and she won’t want anything to do with me. But Katie is a loving person. We ended up doing everything together the past two semesters, mostly revolving around our obsession with memes and reality TV. So (back from the tangent) we knocked for like 10 minutes at both of my (male) CA’s doors, (they sleep like rocks, I found out) until one finally emerged. They said they could call for some help, which I thought would be maybe a campus nurse or someone like that. I said yes, simply because I didn't realize my nausea was from anxiety- maybe I was somehow dying. But no nurse came...the help was was our EMT’s and a campus police officer who arrived to save the day- I wanted to die of embarrassment. (Oh, and let me tell you, this was all happening at about 4am.) I told them I didn’t need to go to the hospital if they didn't see anything wrong. I was just hoping for something to soothe my stomach, since it was in alot of pain. They didn’t have this, so I would have to wait until the morning to go to the nurse. As I walked back to my room, I heard my night-owl next door neighbors talking and listening to music. It's super funny, looking back at this. This first night was a foreshadowing to the rest of my nights at college- my neighbors being super loud at awful times. Anyway, this time, they were listing some girls they wanted to sleep with from our floor. Although I can kind of laugh about it now, at the time, it kinda just freaked me out.

   
         So I guess you can see, I had a pretty eventful, all for nothing, first night of college. Although nothing was identical, that wasn’t my only night spent walking the halls at 4am, trying to find some help. It’s kind of ironic, but work was seldom my most dire stressor during my first year. 

Now, after my attempt at illustrating my living arrangements and some of my stress/ worry, I have to make my second list. This one is super important.

Amazing roommate who lived with but never added to my stress

A couple great friendships with people from my floor

Friendships with everyone in my a capella group

GPA that surpassed my expectations

An amazing professor who has given me extra opportunities

A love of my classes (as long as they aren’t too early!)

Successful projects

Opportunities to share the Gospel with friends and professors

Met people who inspire me

Have friends who have made sacrifices to show me love

Kept in touch with friends during summer

Arraigned a song for my a capella group to sing

Had no “enemies”

Had the opportunity to go on a couple trips

Was able to go home, and able to visit Dan twice

         After the year was done, I was back at home, surrounded by friends and people I knew so well before this past year. Constantly bombarded by the inevitable “so how was college,” I normally gave one of three answers, depending on the person, time we had to talk, or mood I was in. “Great, I’m happy there. My classes are great, almost everyone is happy at TCNJ.” or  “Pretty good, there were ups and downs, some hard things to get used to, but I’m definitely happy there.” or the more honest, “It was kind of a struggle, but there were some blessings mixed in. It was hard to live there, but I had an awesome roommate. It’s alot different from a Christian high school, but I made Christian friends. I had a little bit of trouble with anxiety, but that’s something I’ve been able to work with alot. God’s teaching me alot.”  My beloved English teacher, who earned her master’s degree at my college, approached me at this year’s high school graduation, which happened about two weeks ago. I gave her a more detailed version of the third response when she asked, mostly because I believed she would understand. And she certainly did. She told me the reason I was able to sustain and succeed during the past year was because of the outlook I learned through my struggles: that it’s not all bad. I remembered the good things amidst the bad. That I am blessed. That I have opportunities. She reminded me that life is a balance of the good and bad, and when I think about it, I believe that somehow, my first year was heavier on the good.

As I was struggling to develop a theme for this blog, I realized that my journey through all things life, love and college may be a good starting point. I hope someone can be encouraged through it, and possibly learn methods they can use to deal with anxiety or worry. I’m learning through this all, and can’t wait to keep updating this with what God is teaching me.

All my love, dear reader,

Lauren