Anger

In my last post, I shared about perspective- finding the "good" in seemingly hopeless situations. I was challenged to pray for opportunities to experience and practice this in my daily life. It's definitely a dangerous prayer. But, just as promised, opportunities are certainly creeping in.


When being mentored or given advice, I'm normally asked about my current experiences with anxiety or restlessness. Normally, it's much worse during the school year- kind of self explanatory. More stress. Although it's never "gone" during the summer, it's certainly less prevalent. In saying this, I've still been experiencing some less tough situations that I'm slowly learning to trust God in. Summer trials- sounds kind of like a first world problem.

So anyway, I'll share. It's about 2:30 in the morning right now. I was actually tired, but I've got to admit, my heart was/ still is growing angrier and angrier, so I decided I had to write this before I fell asleep. This is definitely a very small issue compared to some "school year" problems, but it's still annoying. It's stemming from my summer job. Although I was hired for this job in April, I started  just about a month ago (about a week after my finals ended.) They didn't train me immediately, so I had about two or three weeks with only one shift and a call-in per week. Finally, I was blessed and given a full training week where I'd learn everything else about the store, and was given 11 hours. I felt slightly more optimistic. I'd tell myself, although I had many more hours at my last job, this one is more fun, and I'm learning more from it. I made the right decision. The next week I was given about 8 hours, mixed in with call-in shifts, (call-ins are these inconvenient scheduling blocks where you call in an hour beforehand to see if they need you- you must be available if they say they do.)

 Now comes this week- when I  saw my schedule, I was elated- 12.5 hours for Tuesday-Saturday. I was elated! Finally, I was beginning to get hours! I had asked for Sunday and Monday off (after working up the nerve) to go down the shore with some dear friends from college, so I felt so blessed that the remainder of the week promised many more hours. I felt so blessed that I promised my manager I'd come home after my first week of college to work the incredibly busy Labor Day weekend. The store gave me hours even during the weeks I had a couple days off, so I should do something in return. My manager told me that a few customers came up to her and complimented my service and attitude, so I guessed that was the reason for my scheduling increase. She understood how hard I worked and how sincere I was with every customer. I noticed on the schedule that not many associate girls were getting 12 hours or more- many were getting only one or two shifts. I was telling all of my friends and family that my job was really looking up- I've been doing well, and my manager is now rewarding me with more hours. (At my store, you don't work for commission, but good sales= better hours). I was actually on the schedule for every single day listed, between my 12.5 hours and a couple call-in shifts. (To illustrate the inconvenience of the call-in shift, I would be working 25 hours this week if I was needed for all the shifts- doesn't happen.)

So, after receiving a call from a girl today asking to switch Saturday shifts (I'm now closing, but she had a very special occasion, so I'm happy to switch) I was told that I didn't need to come in today (I had a call-in.) A couple hours later, one of the assistant managers left me a voicemail. I didn't need to come in for my scheduled shift tomorrow. Actually, no. Make it a call-in. You can come in if we sell $1,000 of merchandise tonight (between 6-9 pm on a stormy Wednesday). I didn't want to take away the Saturday shift (oh, thanks). Is that okay? Call me back.

When I called, of course I had to say it was okay. What could I say? The store was down on the quota, so they had to cut a shift. I wasn't that upset, originally, until I thought about it and spoke about it more. Why did they cut my shift? I was so encouraged by this extra shift. It made me above average. I was working well and was being rewarded. There are girls who get more hours than me, why don't they get cut? Many of them work 2 jobs, and they know this is my only one. They give me SO many call-ins, and now I just get another one. (I'm trying to be encouraged still, but I'm still angry and heated at this moment). My feelings wavered about it throughout the night. Just a couple minutes ago, I was beginning to think about this as a strike to me personally- they don't like me as much as I thought. The assistant manager is a person with a decision. She decided to cut the person she liked the least.

I need to stop myself now and just check myself. I thought I was calm enough to write all of this, but emotions are creeping up. I'm still being tempted through this. This is still stemming from my anxious nature. Over-thinking to the point of anger, depression, or fear.  So I'll start with this.

1. Humility. I need this.

Because Christ was extraordinary, I'm free to be ordinary.

This is so exceedingly difficult for me- who wants to be ordinary? I want to be special. The hour thing is partially a pride issue. I will give myself the right to be irritated because of time inconvenience of these switches and call-ins. But the whole "they don't like me" or "taking away my earned reward" mentality- no. You don't need to be the "above-averagely liked or appreciated" employee. You need to work hard at your job, enjoy your opportunities that may arise again in the future, and suck up this pride issue. I may find out later today that I'll get 12-14 hours next week. Maybe they also cut the shifts of my coworkers. I need to get over this.

2. Contentedness.

I went on and on in my last post about finding the good in bad situations. Who knows what God is doing this for? Maybe it will lead to an opportunity for me to talk to my managers about all of the call-in shift inconveniences. Maybe I'll be given an opportunity tomorrow during the time I would've been working. Maybe if I was driving to work tomorrow at 2, I would've gotten into a car accident. Who knows what God is protecting me from or giving me? Or maybe He is using this to teach me to be humble and content- just like the opportunities I had been praying for.

It's 3:00am now, and I'm debating whether I should post this without any editing, or delay this until I edit--oh well, I'll post it now.

Hope this encourages someone out there, it's already helped soften my heart.

Less angry,

Lauren